10 Saturday Sep 2016
Tags
AJ: Mum, can I have a new shirt?
Me: No.
AJ: It’s not fair. Bart’s got a new shirt!
Me: That’s because she is our favourite.
AJ: Hey!
***********************************************************************
Bart: Daddy, can I choose the cake we are having for tea on Sunday?
Jay: No, AJ is choosing the cake.
Bart: That’s not fair! She always chooses!
Jay: That is because she is our favourite.
Bart: Hey!
At least we are consistent in our parenting.
24 Wednesday Aug 2016
Tags
bed making, bonds, Daddies, Daddy and Daughter, lessons, little girls, Mummy, shoe polishing, Shoes
When you are a little girl, there are certain things that only a Daddy can do. It’s not that a Mummy can’t do them, it’s just that to a little girl, Daddy can do them better.
As AJ and Bart get older I find it fascinating that two thing I loved my Dad to do for me are the same thing my girls want Jay to do for them.
Dad, my sisters and I around 1976 (I am on the left with the pale blue dress and red shoes)
One is polishing shoes. I remember my Dad showing me how to apply the polish, then brushing and buffing the leather until it shone. Jay has given the girls the same lesson, but there is nothing like a newly polished pair of school shoes that Daddy has taken the time and effort to do. I would walk with my shoulders a little straighter and a little more pride in my step on those mornings I had beautifully polished shoes on my feet that Dad had done.
Bart is taking such care of her school shoes this year. They are normally badly scuffed within the first couple of days, but one week in and they still look fabulous. Although it was a little worrying the other day when she came home and told us she had gotten a scratch on them. Upon inspection neither Jay or I could see any evidence of the afore-mentioned scratch.
“Oh,” Bart casually said “It disappeared after I licked it. My teacher showed my how.”
WHAT?!
Upon explanation, we found out Bart’s new teacher had shown her how to slightly dampen her finger with spit and then rub her shoe over the scratch. Still gross, but a least the image of Bart holding her shoe like and ice cream and giving it a huge lick was suppressed… kind of.
Monday morning when Jay had the polish out for his work boots, (yes, he does polish his scruffy, steel toe capped work boots) Bart sidled up to him with her new school footwear in her hands, batting her eyelashes. I couldn’t help the nostalgia flowing through me. Of course Jay did hers as well. Who can resist a little girl looking at you as though you are a boot brush wielding hero?
The other evening Jay had been called upstairs by Bart. When he got there she wanted him to shake out her duvet and tuck it around her. AJ too, likes Jay to take the time to tuck her in and make sure her toes are fully covered by the duvet. Again I completely understood.
I loved it when my Dad tucked me in. Sometimes I would deliberately wreck my bed until the blankets were on the floor, then call Dad until he came upstairs and remade it. He would tuck me in so tight I could hardly move. It was the best feeling.
Daddies and their little girls. It is such a special bond.
03 Thursday Oct 2013
Posted in Daughters, Growing Up, Parenting, Women
Tags
Facebook, Friends, future, Miley Cyrus, selfies, Sinead O'Connor, teenagers, worry
We often worry about what the future holds for our girls. It is not always a nice world we live in and Jay and I will protect them as much as we can. There are many, many amazing genuine people in this world, but there are also those who will search for and exploit any vulnerability in young girls and boys too.
Sinead O’Connor wrote and open letter to Miley Cyrus after the Hannah Montana actress said she based her look on the Irish singer. The words Sinead wrote can strike a chord with many young girls now a days who take half-naked “selfies” and post them on Facebook. I have removed those teenagers I know who do this a lot with their pouting poses and skimpy outfits from my friends list, as AJ often looks over my shoulder and it is not a positive image I wish her to emulate. Especially as she knows some of these girls. I remember being very upset when one of my daughters’ former baby sitters allowed photo’s of herself drunk and sat on the toilet to be put on the internet for all to see. I don’t wish to see this, I don’t want my impressionable daughters to see this and so the sixteen year old in question was immediately deleted from my page. (And not asked to sit for the girls again.)
So I encourage all girls on the cusp of womanhood to read this letter and maybe look to yourself and those around you. Choose your friends wisely and be careful what you post on the internet, as once it is out there, you have very little chance of getting it back.
*I do apologise if you find some of the language offensive in this letter, but they are Sinead’s words, not mine and it is not my place to alter any of them.
OPEN LETTER TO MILEY CYRUS
Dear Miley,
I wasn’t going to write this letter, but today i’ve been dodging phone calls from various newspapers who wished me to remark upon your having said in Rolling Stone your Wrecking Ball video was designed to be similar to the one for Nothing Compares… So this is what I need to say… And it is said in the spirit of motherliness and with love.
I am extremely concerned for you that those around you have led you to believe, or encouraged you in your own belief, that it is in any way ‘cool’ to be naked and licking sledgehammers in your videos. It is in fact the case that you will obscure your talent by allowing yourself to be pimped, whether its the music business or yourself doing the pimping.
Nothing but harm will come in the long run, from allowing yourself to be exploited, and it is absolutely NOT in ANY way an empowerment of yourself or any other young women, for you to send across the message that you are to be valued (even by you) more for your sexual appeal than your obvious talent.
I am happy to hear I am somewhat of a role model for you and I hope that because of that you will pay close attention to what I am telling you.
The music business doesn’t give a shit about you, or any of us. They will prostitute you for all you are worth, and cleverly make you think its what YOU wanted.. and when you end up in rehab as a result of being prostituted, ‘they’ will be sunning themselves on their yachts in Antigua, which they bought by selling your body and you will find yourself very alone.
None of the men oggling you give a shit about you either, do not be fooled. Many’s the woman mistook lust for love. If they want you sexually that doesn’t mean they give a fuck about you. All the more true when you unwittingly give the impression you don’t give much of a fuck about yourself. And when you employ people who give the impression they don’t give much of a fuck about you either. No one who cares about you could support your being pimped.. and that includes you yourself.
Yes, I’m suggesting you don’t care for yourself. That has to change. You ought be protected as a precious young lady by anyone in your employ and anyone around you, including you. This is a dangerous world. We don’t encourage our daughters to walk around naked in it because it makes them pray for animals and less than animals (a distressing majority of whom work in the music industry and the associated media).
You are worth more than your body or your sexual appeal. The world of showbiz doesn’t see things that way, they like things to be seen the other way, whether they are magazines who want you on their cover, or whatever.. Don’t be under any illusions.. ALL of them want you because they’re making money off your youth and your beauty.. which they could not do except for the fact your youth makes you blind to the evils of show business. If you have an innocent heart you can’t recognise those who do not.
I repeat, you have enough talent that you don’t need to let the music business make a prostitute of you. You shouldn’t let them make a fool of you either. Don’t think for a moment that any of them give a flying fuck about you. They’re there for the money.. we’re there for the music. It has always been that way and it will always be that way. The sooner a young lady gets to know that, the sooner she can be REALLY in control.
You also said in Rolling Stone that your look is based on mine. The look I chose, I chose on purpose at a time when my record company were encouraging me to do what you have done. I felt I would rather be judged on my talent and not my looks. I am happy that I made that choice, not least because I do not find myself on the proverbial rag heap now that I am almost 47 yrs of age.. which unfortunately many female artists who have based their image around their sexuality, end up on when they reach middle age.
Real empowerment of yourself as a woman would be to in future refuse to exploit your body or your sexuality in order for men to make money from you. I needn’t even ask the question.. I’ve been in the business long enough to know that men are making more money than you are from you getting naked. Its really not at all cool. And its sending dangerous signals to other young women. Please in future say no when you are asked to prostitute yourself. Your body is for you and your boyfriend. It isn’t for every spunk-spewing dirtbag on the net, or every greedy record company executive to buy his mistresses diamonds with.
As for the shedding of the Hannah Montana image.. whoever is telling you getting naked is the way to do that does absolutely NOT respect your talent, or you as a young lady. Your records are good enough for you not to need any shedding of Hannah Montana. She’s waaaaaaay gone by now.. Not because you got naked but because you make great records.
Whether we like it or not, us females in the industry are role models and as such we have to be extremely careful what messages we send to other women. The message you keep sending is that its somehow cool to be prostituted.. its so not cool Miley.. its dangerous. Women are to be valued for so much more than their sexuality. we aren’t merely objects of desire. I would be encouraging you to send healthier messages to your peers.. that they and you are worth more than what is currently going on in your career. Kindly fire any motherfucker who hasn’t expressed alarm, because they don’t care about you.
28 Thursday Feb 2013
This morning I lost my temper.
Bart’s behaviour has been trying, to say the least, for a while now. If my four-year old doesn’t get her own way she will scream, stamp her feet, yell and hit things, especially her older sister. She wants everything done for her, she wants it done NOW!
Yesterday afternoon the house phone rang and AJ reached it first. Well Bart started yelling because she wanted the phone. She had no idea who was on the other end, but she wanted to speak. I took the phone and while I was talking to our support worker (who incidentally took back her notice and stayed in her job – phew) Bart decided she would spit all over the living room carpet.
Grrrr…
Today Bart wanted to take a toy boat to play group, which was fine. Considering the school run is quite stressful with getting bags, coats and this time of year, boots, scarves, hats and gloves, this morning was pretty plain sailing.
AJ did continue her artwork in the dirt on the side of the Landrover, I told her not to again and she got in the car.
Bart was buckled in her seat, AJ in hers, I was starting the engine when Bart gave a scream, she has dropped her toy boat on the floor. Now, I was not getting out again for this boat, so I began to reverse out of the parking spot. Because AJ would not unbuckle herself, get the damn plastic toy and give it to Bart, she got hit, more than once.
Well I lost it.
I nearly broke the hand brake when I yanked it on. I got out of the car, opened the back door, reached for the bloody boat and lobed it as hard as I could. The thing bounced off Jay’s shed and landed in the middle of the track, so for good measure I walked over and gave it a hard kick sending it flying towards the house, where it landed under one of the stone planters.
I got back in the car, slammed the door and quietly drove off.
There was silence the whole trip to the bus stop.
13 Wednesday Feb 2013
Since having the two girls around, I do try hard to watch my language. I have never had a really foul vocabulary, but sometimes words do slip through the net… or the mouth.
Recently Bart has been cracking me up. I don’t know where she has gotten it from, probably some TV show, but she has the best curse.
When ever she get frustrated with something you hear a little high-pitched voice say,
“Oh crooked cucumbers!”
I may steal that one for myself.
30 Wednesday Jan 2013
When I was a kid I remember my Mum yelling at me and my sisters, “stop fighting or I will bang your heads together!” At the time I did not appreciate how hard it was for her with three girls fighting and shouting at each other.
Now I can.
I am so hoping this is just a ‘phase’ but my daughters are driving me crackers. They argue and they fight all the time. The way AJ speaks to Bart is positively horrible and if Bart does not get a reply from AJ straight away she whines, shouts and punches.
They are arguing when they walk into the kitchen for breakfast and they are arguing as they put on their pyjama’s at night.
I try to ignore it, walk away from it or mediate between them. I talk to them about how they behave, I ask them and tell them to be nice to each other. I give them jobs to do, I give them nothing to do. I make them stay in the room with me, I get them to stay in a room by themselves. I try everything and nothing is working.
At the moment they are sitting with me on the sofa and AJ is copying everything Bart does… which starts a row. Then Bart is making kissy noises at AJ… which starts another row.
I have to separate them just to get a bit of peace.
I so want to get through this stage of them growing up without loosing my sanity, but at the moment it is doubtful.
18 Friday Jan 2013
It Friday again (don’t they come around fast), so it was time for the girls to go to their swimming lesson.
Bart turned back into a water baby and had a great time like last week. AJ really seemed to be listening to her instructor, although I did see some messing around with one of the young lads in her group.
I met both girls with towels when they came out and we headed back to the changing rooms to get dressed in street clothes.
It was when AJ was stood in front of me shivering I noticed a mark on her neck. It looked like a finger size bruise or a love bite!!!!!! What the hell… my little girl is five… five!!!
My heart racing with panic, alarm and thoughts of hunting down every boy she had been within touching distance of that day, I put my finger on the mark… and it came away. Turned out it was a bit of tumble dryer fluff from the freshly laundered bath towel.
Phew! That is one conversation I don’t want for many, many, many years.
08 Thursday Nov 2012
When we were only weeks away from meeting the girls, our social worker came to visit one afternoon to go through some more of the final procedure and to also ask if we would be happy to have a support worker come and visit us once every two weeks. Bare in mind after nineteen years waiting for a child we would have done almost anything to make the dream a reality, I agreed. I do remember thinking if they were arranging support before I even met the girls, they couldn’t have much faith in my ability to parent these children.
Well, AJ and Bart came home and the first support worker visit approached. We had been briefly introduced to Gail at our planning meeting the day before we saw our children, but as you can imagine, I remembered nothing about her. (I actually don’t remember much about the meeting at all apart from the bit that we needed to inform them if one of the girls died…) Anyway, I cleaned the house, tidied the toys, had the kids spotless, kettle was boiling, cake and biscuits were ready. I was a nervous wreck waiting to be judged as a bad mother.
Within five minutes Gail had me at ease. She was not there to judge and didn’t. She was there to help. Sometimes she gave advice, sometimes she just listened. She passed on knowledge she had gained through her career and tips she had learnt from others. Our meetings became weekly for a while and something I came to cherish and depend on.
Then as we began to settle as a family she visited less often. We would chat on the phone once a month, or I would get a little text message, just to know she was there. When AJ was going through a particularly bad food stage this year, I contacted Gail and she came out to run some ideas past me and just listen. Although I didn’t need her as I much as in the beginning, having her in the background helped.
So imagine my shock and dismay when a letter came through the door to tell me Gail was leaving. She had handed in her notice and was moving away. This was my invite to her goodbye get together. Unfortunately I could not make it, but I managed to get hold of Gail and invite her for a cup of coffee. So on Friday afternoon we sat down in the local Starbucks and chatted a little bit about the past two and a half years, our perceptions of each other in the beginning and the how things had changed. We spoke a little bit about the girls and how they had grown both physically and in personality. But mainly we chatted about her. About the move and her career. Her family and future, the way friends do.
When it was time to say goodbye, she paid me the biggest complement. “Charlotte,” she said “I will always have all the time in the world for you and Jay, because what ever I suggested you do to help your girls, you tried. Some things worked, some things didn’t. But you always had a go”
Thank you Gail, for everything.
06 Tuesday Nov 2012
Posted in Adoption, Attachment Disorder, Children, Family, Foster Care, Kids, Parenting
Last Friday I dragged myself out from under the duvet in the very wee hours of the morning to get ready for a trip to hear Holly Van Gulden speak in Dundee. It turned out to be a very long day, but so worth it.
Holly talked about raising adopted/fostered children who have suffered trauma in early childhood. She spoke about permanence and attachment, the behaviours that occur from a lack of them in a child’s life and what we can do to in the future to help our children achieve a sense of permanence.
I had so many “Oh, so that’s why she does that” and “Aha, that makes sense now” moments during the lecture, it was like she was talking about my children and from looking around the room, the same was happening for many others there.
I came away with deeper understanding of what my girls need from me and their Daddy and some practical steps to help us achieve it.
It was a very long day, but worth it.
20 Friday Jul 2012
… to get a lie in around here?
Yesterday my head was killing me. It was one of those headaches which lasted for hours, just above my right eye. Medicine did not cure it, neither did putting Little Rascals on the TV to occupy the kids while I napped on the sofa.
At 4pm I finally caved and phoned work to let them know I could not make it. The thought of racing around in a noisy restaurant and a stifling hot kitchen made me feel quite sick.
I hadn’t started any supper so when Jay got home I raided my purse and sent him out to get fish and chips. Then he offered to take the girls outside for a while. After putting on their little overalls, the three of them headed out to “work” in Jay’s shed.
I enjoyed the quiet and just being able to give my pounding head a rest, so when Jay came back in around nine to say could I come and take a picture of AJ and Bart helping with the tractor I was shocked by how much time had passed. After snapping a few frames I came back into the house while Jay and the girls finished up.
By the time everyone was back in, the girls washed, in pyjama’s and gone to bed it was passed ten o’clock. Yay, heading to bed that late surely I would get a decent lie in.
Nope, AJ woke at 6.30 this morning and Bart was about forty minutes later.
One good thing… my headache has gone. Problem is I must have slept in an awkward position because my back has stiffened up and I am walking around doing a very good impression of Quasimodo.
